Finally Home
2012-05-08 at 12:24 pm
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This morning I found this music/video and after watching and listening to the video above by Coldplay it reminded me of a time in my life long ago, but even today it seems like it was only yesterday. After listening to it and reading my story below, I believe you will understand…
Finally Home
When I was fifteen I ran away for the final time, I at last had left behind a life of physical and verbal abuse that had left scars, both visible and hidden, that I will carry till my final day. I was now out on the street, and with the few possessions I could actually call my own, I found myself living beneath the overpass of a bridge along the river bank. But as sad as that may sound it was okay, because for the first time in my life I felt safe.
I continued going to school and was able to use the showers, due to my gym class, to keep myself clean. As far as my clothes, I only had two pairs of jeans, a couple of t-shirts, and about the same as far as my under things, all of which, along with my few possessions, I carried within a backpack I had found a few years before in a neighbors trash. I kept my clothes clean the best I could and when I needed to wash them I was able to use the all night laundry mat on the other side of the river, which worked out because I could also do my homework there too while I waited. The man and wife who owned the laundry mat allowed me to work there after school cleaning and mopping the floor to earn a little extra money, hell at first it was the only money, but it was mine and I earned every cent. Also, since I worked there they now allowed me to wash and dry my clothes for free as an extra perk and it was a great perk, because what little money I did earn paid for the food I ate.
From the early years of elementary right on through high school I had very few friends due to the fact that I had always been quiet and withdrawn from the others because of the nightmarish life I tried to keep secret. The few friends I did have were very aware of the problems I faced each and every day. I guess some things you just can’t hide forever no matter how hard you might try. They saw the marks, the bruises, the cuts and knew that if I wasn’t at school that day I had once again been the victim of a “bad accident”, as my mother always called them. I could not always hide the terrible pain and fear I was feeling from my friends, I guess they could see it in my face and hear it within my voice. They never would ask or question what had happen, because they already had guessed or knew. They would only ask if I was okay in a low hushed voice and in return I would just nod, never able to look them in the eyes.
My friends would always try their best to include me in their social circles and activities, even though they knew I was never allowed outside the house unless it was to go to school. It was my mother’s way of keeping as many prying eyes off of me as possible, fewer questions that way when I showed up in public with another injury from one of my “bad accidents.” I knew my friends cared and they did not want me feeling left out, but it was hard to fit in because I could never chance letting my guard down in fear of someone else finding out what awaited me at my house, I was just too ashamed even though I knew it wasn’t my fault. My life outside the house was school and outside of school was the house… that is until on my fifteenth birthday, on that very day… I broke free.
I lived on the street for a little over a year and a half, surviving the best I knew how, but it wasn’t as bad as what I had faced all those years before. Don’t get me wrong, I would be lying if I said it wasn’t hard, it was, but for the first time ever, I started feeling happy and alive. I finally felt I mattered and I wasn’t someone’s “dumb useless bastard” as I had been call all those years. My confidence was growing and so was my outlook on life. I was finding that there was a whole different world out there beyond all the hurt, pain, and fear… there was love.
I was sixteen when I meet this girl; she was a year older than me and the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I was shy and had a hard time trying to talk to her because I stuttered when I was nervous or scared, and she made me both. But she reached out and grabbed my hand and with that one touch I was lost to her forever.
A year and half later we were married, I was just finishing up high school and was working full time. As newlyweds we moved into a small apartment and started our lives together. On the first day, when we first walked into our own apartment, I broke down and started to cry. She quickly took me in her arms and asked, “What on earth is the matter, why are you so upset?”
I just looked at her through tear filled eyes and told her, “Nothing, it’s just that I am finally home…”
We have been together ever since.
DUB (2012)
Last 5 posts by Dont_U_Believe
- Nothing Lasts - May 14th, 2013
- No One Understands - May 13th, 2013
- Answers? - May 9th, 2013
- Never Meant To Be - May 7th, 2013
- Surrender - April 18th, 2013
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38 Responses to “Finally Home”
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Thats Breaks my heart at 15 year’s old you lived on the Street and it’s even sadder that it was safer on the streets than at home but i love that you met that very special lady that understood you and was there to help ease your awful pain its so sweet and special that you finally felt you had a home for the first time in your life ,it made me Happy when i watched the video because i could see the two of you like that together God sent her to you right when you needed her the most i know she is an Angel sent from God i am so thankful the two of you have one another what a precious Gift i know your Thanful for the life she has gave you i am Thankful you have such a special lady in your life i wish you all of the happiness in the world together.
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Thank you Debbie… As a child I lived in a house,but it was never a home. It wasn’t till then, at that very moment, did I have a home… a true home.
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An amazing and emotional story told so well
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Thank you niGe, it is alwags a pleasure to see your comments.
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Brought Tears to my eyes I am glad you found home
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Thank you… and sorry for the tears.
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So Sad
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Thank you for your comment Martha…
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Thank you…
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Beautiful sad story yes miracles are made one at a time … Hugs
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Yes Bettie, they are and thank you for commenting.
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I have read this blog 3 times , i tried to comment but was unable to
It’s hard to comment when you’re in tears , at least for me ..:(
Hugs DUB ..I wish i could write more but know that my heart goes to you
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 10:24 pm
Angelica you have said so much more than you know and thank you…
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I’ve always heard home is where the heart is and that is such a true statement. I am so happy that you found your place …your home. Your wife and family are definitely blessings for you and you them. I can understand you leaving “home” at an early age…no one can fault you for that. I thank God that you made it through those earlier years. You are a true blessing, a miracle. God bless you always.
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 8th, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Thank you Jean…
I learned the true meaning of “home” just before I turned 18 and it still makes me emotional after all these years. You are so right… I was very blessed when my wife enter my life and I count those blessings every day.
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WATCH THE VIDEO AND READ THE STORY VERY HEARTWARMING AND TEARFUL
MADE ME CRY ALOT
HE HAS FINNALY COME HOME
TO A BETTER LIFE
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 7:03 am
Thank you for listening and reading Robert…
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It breaks my heart that you had to endure all that you did. Yet, despite all the abuse, sadness and hardships you faced, you finally made it home and were blessed with a beautiful wife and family. That part warms my heart so much. Love and light, always!
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 7:04 am
Thank you Angel and you are right… my family becane my life.
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Oh, my touching heartfelt but, so admire you for your strength..and the ending happy tears, shared..Blessings of love..Grateful hugs
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 7:05 am
Thank you Diane
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I CRIED TEARS OF SORROW AND JOY FOR YOU MY FRIEND..SO HAPPY YOU FOUND THE LOVE OF A GOOD WOMAN IN YOUR LIFE AND NOW HAVE A PLACE TO CALL HOME..THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY WITH US..SENDING LOTS OF LOVE YOUR WAY…
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 7:11 am
Thank you Enchantress
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I have tears too, how can one not be touched, it’s hard to know what to write after reading your blogs, i am so so glad that you met somebody that believed in you & loves you unconditionally as we all should have but don’t always have, in our lives. I am curious though if you have spoken to your parents since…do you have anything to do with them now? Had any closure? I don’t think i could because i can’t imagine treating my own children like that, they are everything to me. Love to you as always..
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 7:55 am
Sorry for the tears Nicky, you have a beautiful heart.
To answer your questions… My mother and father had divorced about 2 years after I left. I guess without me there, they had no one to continue their abuse on and turned on each other.
I had very little contact with them after I ran away. It was over ten years before the first time and that was with my father. He was in a car accident that left him paralyzed, had no one to take care of him, so I paid for all his medical expenses and made sure he had a place to live. Later when he just before he died I took him into my home and paid for 24hr nursing care until he died, then I took care of all the funeral arrangements, buried him and have never returned to that grave site since. It wasn’t out love that I did this, that never existed, but I could not just turn my back. It was the hardest thing I ever did…
As far as my mother… when the accident happened I contacted her to ask if there was anything she could do to help him. After she quit laughing and cursing at me, she said that it was too bad that it wasn’t me in that car and went on to tell me that she has prayed every day since I left that she would read my obituary in the paper. She blamed me for ruining her life and that I was like a cancerous tumor that was cut out of her when I was born. At that point I just turned and walked away leaving her screaming and cursing behind me. I have seen or talked to her since… I do know she is still alive and God help me for saying this, I don’t think I will be there for her in the end. I just don’t have that kind of strength left in me… I am sorry, but that door closed long ago.
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 7:58 am
Sorry Nicky for the spelling and bad grammer, it has been a long night.
Love ya my friend.
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That was very touching. As you stated, Coldplay told your story well. It’s sad to imagine that the streets could ever be safer than a home. But, then again….love is what makes a home, and you barely had a “house”. I’m so sorry that your childhood was non-existent. You’re a survivor & have risen up above it all. Have you ever considered volunteering to speak to children who have found themselves in the position that you were in? I’m sure they would find you as inspirational as we all do.
I read about what you did for your father. That says so much about you as a person. As for your mother…I am so sorry. I can’t blame you for how you feel you’ll respond to her passing. I’m not sure that I would feel any different. She should be proud of you, for the man that you have become. She must have an illness!
I’m glad that you are Finally Home! For Love is what makes a House a Home!
I pray that you have continued love & happiness with that special girl that saw something more in you than a shy young man behind a mask. Welcome Home!
Much love to you always!
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 10:01 am
Thank you so very much for your very touching words Toxic… In my career I come in contact with children almost every day that live within similar conditions. I always try and make that extra effort to let them know they are not alone in this world and that there are people who care about how they feel and what they have to say. Without telling them the actual horrors I experienced I do tell them that I was once right where they find themselves now and that from this day forward they will never have to be afraid again.
The system is far from perfect, I know, but it I believe it can work to make the world a safer place for everyone if we all just take that extra step and hold a hand out to someone in need. Maybe someday peace and love will finally win out…
As for the video and music by Coldplay… it was the first time I had ever heard that song and after watching and listening to the video I was in tears as I wrote my story…
And you are right I the only thing I could refer to the place where I once lived was “a house”, but now I know the true meaning of “Home”…
Thank you my friend…
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ToXic_Dreamz Reply:
May 9th, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Thank you for your kind response. It’s good to know that children have you there for them. I wish you continued happiness within your home & throughout your life.
{{hugs}}
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If this was fiction, I would say such an interesting write & story….but sadly, I know it’s not fiction. Knowing a little of you from previous writes, I struggle to comprehend how parents could behave this way towards their child. I assume you weren’t problematic in the way of ADHD or similar as a child. On the contrary, you present as low-key & withdrawn in your childhood. You did right to run when you did DUB…you had no other choice and it opened a wonderful door to where you are today. Your responses to Nicky & Marj are revealing too…your caring for your Dad is something many could not or would refuse to do.
Was there ever any words of sorrow, regret or even explanation from your father?
As for your mother, I do not understand the hatred there, except perhaps her blaming you for the divorce & any hardship she may have endured afterwards. Still none is justified. I’m beginning to believe she has a mental illness for her to have treated you so as child & adult…to have this attitude towards you….or perhaps something most horrible happened to her.
I am happy for you & somewhat amazed that you met your wife this way & are still together after many a year. Congratulations DUB…I’m sure with her love & help you overcame enough to live a constructive life, contributing in such a positive way. Thank you for sharing parts of your life with us. I’m sure it is not easy to reach in, reflect & share such things. But it of great benefit to us all as it gives us cause to be reminded of the hardships of others, to have compassion to strangers & realise not all have had the charmed & easy life. Some struggle with great difficulty to just live & survive. We all benefit & learn from these things. Peace & thanks my friend.
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 10th, 2012 at 6:51 am
Thank you Peace… there are days I wish it had all been just a nightmare and I even more that there had been a reason for the way I was treated, but there wasn’t… I am sure that there is something to what you said about the mental illness, but she always seemed so normal and in control when other people were around, I really don’t have an answer.
Thanks again my friend.
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Wow part of me can’t believe you did that for your Dad after the way he treated you, many wouldn’t expect you to, that would’ve been sooo hard, i couldn’t help but think that he got his karma in the end but his life towards the end was made easier by you, the very one he abused, another part of me would like to think i would do the same thing but honestly i couldn’t know whether i could do that or not unless i was in your shoes. I will say one thing however & that is you are a truly amazing man for doing that. If your Mother still treats you this way even after all these years & continues to spread her toxic mental abuse upon you…please stay away from her & never look back. She may have given birth to you but she was never a mother not in the way she should have been. She deserves nothing from you. I would get as far away from her as i possibly could & surround myself with those who love me & deserve me in their lives. Thanks for being so candid, open & honest as Peace said it does indeed remind us to have compassion for strangers & realise that not all have lived an easy life. Peace & love to you my friend
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
May 10th, 2012 at 6:53 am
Thank you Nicky…
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Wow, I am speechless!!! What an amazing heartbreaking story. I had chills all over me by the end and a lump in my throat.
I can identify with your story in a lot of ways. I ran away when I was 16. Went from the farm to the big city. I don’t know how I survived but I did. I’d like for you to read my story poem ORPHAN on my blog. I think you will understand it better than most. My mom is dead and she and I made peace before she died. My dad on the other hand is still………well, evil.
thank you for sharing your life with us. Voo
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 9:11 am
Thank you Voo and I am so sorry, but extremely happy you are still with us. I will read you blog. Thank you again.
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I hate hearing about child abuse. Unfortunately, it happens a lot. I have two personal friends whose parents abused and beat them to a pulp as children. They are lucky to be alive today.
Beautifully written blog…sad and heartfelt.
I’m glad you were able to rise above it all.
Soots
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
July 12th, 2012 at 9:13 am
I know the nightmare of your friends Sootie… Thank you for you comment.
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