The Best of Friends
2012-04-13 at 04:13 pm
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The Best of Friends
“When I was so much younger, just a small child, I had so many dreams and they filled my every waking moment.”
What comes to mind when you read those words? Do your thoughts dream up a world of excitement and wonder? Are there images of running, jumping, and climbing as grand adventures are played out within a childhood fantasy? Do you recall the innocent wishes made upon the first star of the night, or that special toy or possession that you wanted so bad it kept you awake on a long winter’s night as you hoped beyond hope to find it the next morning beneath a bright magical tree? What where your dreams, your hopes, and what loving words filled your prayers each night just before you closed your eyes to drift off to a land of make believe?
For some these questions may bring smiles as the memories begin to fill their heads with thoughts of some happier and innocent time. They may cause you to reminisce with the ones you love all the endless and magical tales that until now have never before been shared. They might even help you recall all those wonderful images captured so long ago that now will be cherished within your memory till the end of time.
But for others these questions are not so easily answered, nor do the unwelcomed images and memories fill their tortured thoughts of a happier time. Their adolescent innocence was stripped away long ago by the unspeakable nightmares they lived and breathed, nightmares that have since held them captive and will till the end of time. For most, their tales will never be spoken, even with those they are closest to and love. Their past will remain forever silent behind a fractured wall of silence.
I don’t pretend to know the personal thoughts, wants, hopes, or wishes of each and every person who has gone or is continuing to go through hell as they deal with the haunting monsters from out of their past. All I can relate to you are those of my own. These once private and personal feelings along with my thoughts, fears, pain, and demons are now bared for all to witness by the telling words within many of my writings. It saddens me to know that there are so, so many others who have a much too similar knowledge of such events within their hidden and fragile past. Even sadder to me is that there may be a few reading this now that are amongst many who are still caught within the torturous grip of an abuser even as an adult.
Abuse can go much deeper than the physical pain and wounds left behind at the hands of another. In time the pain will wane and the physical wounds will heal leaving only a scar to serve as a visible reminder to the horrors someone can inflict upon another. But, what of those scars that can’t be seen? Those buried and seeded deep within the passing of time.
As a small boy I suffered from constant beatings at the hands of the one I called mother. From as early as I can remember there was always hurt, pain, and tears. For the longest time I felt shame and guilt for having brought this upon myself, always trying to do better and be a good boy so that I might earn the acceptance and affection I longed to know. But it never came and at one point it just no longer mattered.
Before it all ended I had suffered broken bones, skull fractures, been poisoned, stabbed, punched and kicked so severely that I lost a kidney and my spleen. I tried running away numerous times only to always to be caught and returned home. I had even reached a point when I attempted suicide twice, the first time when I was only six years old.
My whole young life I knew nothing but fear, pain, and most of all hate. But through it all, what had the most impact and scarred my life the most were the words. Words that would cut to the core of one’s worth and place in life leaving only a hollow shell. I was a mistake, a mistake of life, and I was going to pay for being an imposition and hellish burden in her life. Those scars cannot be seen, but they cut the deepest of all. They bombarded me every waking moment and still echo in the back of my mind when I close my eyes even today.
If you are reading these words and they touch too close to home, I just want you to know. I may not know your hidden secrets, your nightmares, or the exact situation that you have had to endure, but I do know of your pain, your fears, and the need for what we hungered for, for so long. I want you to know you are not alone in this life, I am walking right there beside you. If you need someone to lean on, my shoulder is right there for you. If you should grow tired, then I will carry you until you can go on. What I am trying to say is I am just like you and you are like me, we matter and always have. We didn’t know it at the time, but in this life we have always been… the beat of friends.
DUB (2012)
Last 5 posts by Dont_U_Believe
- Nothing Lasts - May 14th, 2013
- No One Understands - May 13th, 2013
- Answers? - May 9th, 2013
- Never Meant To Be - May 7th, 2013
- Surrender - April 18th, 2013
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12 Responses to “The Best of Friends”
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a wonderful blog
… my best friends I’ve always found only in my family 
…
outside it’s so hard to find best friends
Thank you for your friendship
regards
Julia
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
April 13th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Thank you Julia. Friendship is all I have to offer, but it becomes something special when it is accepted and returned.
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This is a wonderful Story i just wish i could say that’s all it was is a Story and not the awful truth like you and still to this Day i felt like it was my Fault that i lived through the awful pain that i did i have sit down so many time’s to try to write about it but so far i haven’t been able to do it there’s so much i feel Guilty about and for the life of me i dont know why i have to feel Guilty i really dont think i did anything wrong or maybe i did just like you said you thought where a mistake what puzzels me to Death is i have two sister’s one older and one younger and not one time did he hurt them or they didn’t have to go through one thing that i did i never understood that and dont get me wrong i thank God they didnt but what was it about me i really think it was because he didn’t want me my Mom was the only person that ever loved me i remenber i had Barbie’s that my mom had bought me and a beautiful Doll house for them but one day i came home from school and he had thrown them away that was the only thing i loved to do as a child so again i have to wonder why ,untill i met you i never wrote or said one word of some of these things but you made me feel like you would listen to me and wouldn’t look at me and Gudge me like i had done something wrong i thank you so much for that now i know there’s another person in this world that feels just like i do and because of what you went through i hate what you had to live through it breaks my Heart in to i cant imange the pain you had to go through to think Suicide was your only way out i wish i could change things for you so bad but i cant but just like you said my Friend your no longer alone i am walking right beside of you, you have been my best Friend for awhile now i can never thank you enough for that.Always know you have made a big difference in my life please dont ever forget that .
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
April 13th, 2012 at 9:33 pm
Debbie I am so proud of you. You have opened up and blossomed so much like the beautiful flower that you are. You have shared things about your past and in doing so helped others, including myself, know they are not alone. The guilt we have felt comes from not understanding the reason why, but we both know deep down that the fault was never ours, we were the victims of someone else’s demons. When all is said and done, I know I have a friend forever in you.
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How appropriate…just figured out that some “friends” aren’t really friends… And I’m not talking about
Friendburst people….I’m talking about real life….
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
April 13th, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Friends come and go as freely as the wind blows, but best friends are true and are here to stay… I hope things work out for the better JoJo…
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This just tears at my heart to hear and I am in tears as I type this. I am sure that you sharing will be most helpful for others, though! Big hugs and lots of love!
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
April 14th, 2012 at 6:32 am
Thank you Angel, your heart and eyes may be full of tears, but that is only because they are also full of love.
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Opening up and becoming the subject of vulnerability is the hardest and longest step to take! Then slowly the healing begins. There is always something beautiful amongst the horrors of our souls. Such brutal open honesty you share dear Friend with all of us
Love, Strength, and many blessings to you 
Dee
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
April 15th, 2012 at 4:23 am
Thank you Dee.
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I am so sorry that your childhood was hell. I do everything in my power to nurture my son with love, health, self-esteem, guidance, and understanding. These are basic necessities that every child deserves. I wish that someone could have stepped in & had gotten you out of the hell you were living in, & given these to you.
You are important & I’m hoping that you have accepted that & believe in yourself.
You have a friend in me!
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Dont_U_Believe Reply:
April 16th, 2012 at 10:35 am
Thank you ToXic, it sounds like your son is very lucky to have you and you him, it is as it should be. I may not have had that as a child and to be honest I envy those that have. Nothing can change what was, but I have made sure it did not repeat within my own family as I rasied my own sons and now watch my grandsons begin to grow. It wasn’t until their lives came to be that I realized I truly mattered.
Thank you for being a great friend…
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