Free- je m’en fous – style
2011-06-01 at 09:54 pm
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Ok-rewind and gather the pieces—> got there and re-dyed (cuz it was SO AWFUL it scared every single living being in a ..transcontinental effect) ;ate all sorts of tasty weirdness – from froglegs to japanese ,thai and vietnamese food, attacked someone with a high heeled shoe , got ‘touched’once by my own Lederpeitsche (ouch!) for 25 given marks- I admit to have been curious as well; giggled until the wind got my hair up& flaming with the speed and the sun on the road,breathing cozy warmth on strange lands; went shopping ; one morning I was introduced to a crying hooker as ’the best domina’ as I woke up for a glass of water
I mumbled & went back in my room to sleep. Never crossed my mind to ask WHY, who or wtf.
je m’en fous.
I’m a champion at running from pain..run to places far where it can’t reach me, places I can be free from the memories with others who are freeing themselves from memories…My enthusiasm and lust for life are contagious.
Some lil fairy godmother promised me freedom and happiness , opportunity and accomplishment with the price of lust. Give up your carnal desires for the sake of..”mirroring”..Untouchble seductive spectre @ night and joyous punky kid @day.
People always crave mirroring..like in a search for one’s lost Self. To certify an existence..to add up authenticity …or to create an improved version of themselves. ‘God complex ‘always fascinated me in others…but each with its own. The power of Will and Intent. For mirroring the obvious or the hidden,they want pets with black muzzles. Some get ‘zoophiliac with their pets’, some don’t.
I remember those old widowed hags nodding and shaking sordidly, like Shakespeare’s witches while giving their wisdom : if there are men out there ,past their youth and never married, something must then be wrong with them, keep away. I still wonder how such a filthy prejudice always proves to be right…
Contracts ( edited by others) are disgusting…so are old creepy hags..
I can’t fix the unfixable. My ex tought me. Hope he’ll roth in hatred for the rest of his life …’THOUGH.. sad thing- I know he will.
And even before him, the sharpest man I’ve ever known..retired in Argentina,somewhere in the desert with transexuals, hookers and farming.Self-made man…. That one tried teaching me a thing or two bout all life,finance, men and SM…it was too much info!
I’m still like a balky mare…but with time I’m slowly getting to understand it all… Perhaps I need to worry bout myself more…the mistakes and wounds of their youth are flagellating their entire lives by making them…generalize , be strict..harsh, paranoid , selfish…The desert..
Making ..us stone cold, and the mirroring easy.
There’s the sadism to keep me going for long term…carving out wild flowers in the flesh of the veterans…for love .. (?!!!) Frau Inspektor - trophy mistress - vicious pet. Carving my path as a Taker..demaning..evaluating..and morphing into something different…”Love-proof”. They say ‘natural dominas’ are manhaters, because they suffered rape and abuse at a certain point in their lives. I had neither.Maybe a whole lotta heartache from bad choices and a morbid interest in human study…The reactions..affections…limits…soft spots…and control.
Better off as ‘abuser’;somehow everyone’s happy and I’m relaxed as long as I’m receiving all the attention I require when I need it.
and @ the end of the day fuck ‘em all.
Fuck pondering on fixing the unfixable, there are wayyy way too many
like me and them around. The more people I meet ,the more face palms I get.
The best advice I ever received (from the best astrologer Ever) was “let go and let god” or let chaos ! -same thing different name.
I’m still wondering whether to turn down a modelling offer or not…( long term-contracts are confining ) Is money to throw away? Is it worth it? I’d better just go and see and negotiate.The ifs ,the options, the availability..the noose (!) I’d rather have alternatives ,no matter how restrictive…than rely on..little.
One of my gfs (no.2) got preggy. My first reaction was to hiss a pejorative word…then nod & tell her to let me know when she’s ‘done with it’. Decided to sweeten up after and started abusing on Mojito-flavoured icecream.
The Future -…… gives me headaches !
Last 5 posts by LethalAmbrose
- the song & the champagne - April 28th, 2012
- Gratitude and disdain - April 17th, 2012
- Shocking!! - March 14th, 2012
- the urban "Ohm"& practicing awareness: Blind Dinners - March 10th, 2012
- Thoughts....drier than a dry martini. - March 7th, 2012
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44 Responses to “Free- je m’en fous – style”
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Overwhelmed… I will be back after I chewed on it a while.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 1st, 2011 at 10:45 pm
yeah…it didn’t fit into one head anymore.
But don’t get too serious about it.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 1:50 am
She strikes,she scores.Should I start saying-like Mike_B *3kudos*, *5 kudos*,ecc?
yeah….shame that regrets are related to things that should normally be seen as good (such as trust, sex,love and such)- that become ‘weaknesses’ and change everything upside down.That’s why I’m totally intollerant with those who judge and label people by first appearances without first wondeing why some people act the way they do. Complicated bsns.
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Marigv Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 4:58 am
I’m with you at this answer, especially the last part.
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Wait!
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 6:16 am
why?what for?! I’m done waiting.
Theoretically.Practically- I could wait the whole life even despite my will ,anyway..life spins in cycles and we keep making the same sort of damn choices over and over and over again..with hope for the better,that obviously blows in our faces eventually. I’M BITTER.(*need icecream*….and gym god dammit and..more outdoor activity )
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Bored ??? How about depression ? In my case, is the second one.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 6:19 am
All! en colère!
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Marigv Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 6:28 am
All the time I feel that is better somewhere else than back home.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 6:34 am
*nods*
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dude2 Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 12:58 am
“the grass is always greener where the dogs are sh*tting”
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 1:29 am
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As you are, you are unique. I am new to this site, but I have not encountered the likes of you on any site.
Most folks, women probably even more so than men eventually wind up “putting all their eggs in one basket”. Statistically this fails in half the cases over here, I’d heard somewhere before. Some people actually WANT to lose their identity… sense of self, and tie the knot. And it works, at the same time it’s failing. I have no idea WTF I’m saying.
Cool blog- you almost seem familiar.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 7:36 am
I’m just being very analytical.
Everyone wants the same things.But some get stumbled in inner conflicts trying to avoid deception; those who want to lose themselves have a great deal of blame ( you can never get past the phase of rage and hatred if you don’t learn to know yourself and live with yourself first,take responsibility over and confront fear).Some would feel more safe and cozy in the heat of wars rather than confront, others would run to the edge of the world, others would fabricate/ recreate .Temporary solutions,lifetime choices..consequences…time doesn’t stand still for anyone.And usually people don’t take on challenges that don’t reflect their personal needs (that come from the Self they want to supress or ‘alter’)and hence the perpetual drama that’s just a matter of time. The root is HUMAN.
Meh.you know ,some get lucky from the start and some don’t and that makes all the difference.
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Moonlight_Magic Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 12:30 pm
“Meh.you know ,some get lucky from the start and some don’t and that makes all the difference.”
Touche’ Lethal. It just always seems like when you think your life is going in one direction and staying on a set course THAT is when life says “Oh really? You’re comfortable, are you?” and pulls it’s nasty rug out from underneath you.
I lift my glass to the lucky ones who can get it right the first time and drink from the glass over and over for those of us who just seem to have to keep starting over again and again.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 2:12 pm
if only it were that easy..
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“Bitter”? “Sour lonely bitch”? In denial much?
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 1:21 pm
Absolutely.And you should see the others as well…! It’s part of the game,if we’re playing.And part of the awakening awkward reality when we stop playing.
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That was awesome.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Thx …”to be continued”
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“The future…gives me headaches!”
You, too, Lethal?
Your blog REALLY hit home for me and I really appreciated your overall tone of it because in a lot of ways, it’s how I’m feeling these days.
You live your life everyday thinking things are one way, and although part of you might have seen at times some red flags regarding people and situations early on you would think that perhaps you would have some level of mental preparation for the possible outcome of things to come….but you don’t. Once the reality of those red flags kicks you in the face leaving a full sized boot print behind it still stings and leaves quite a mark. Those flags provide some cushion and support but still, it leaves one quite confused and maybe even a bit scared when it comes to sorting out what’s left after the kick takes place. You have “ideas” for your new future but at the same time you have fear and doubts and wonder if your “ideas” will ever truly come to fruition. You hope so, but then nothing in this life is guaranteed.
That’s what is going on in my mind these days. Is your mind as overflowing with crap and random thoughts as mine is?
Thanks for allowing me a bit of free style in my comment. I think I needed it.
BTW, great blog Lethal.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 1:12 pm
Nah…I don’t have the luxury of ‘random thinking’ it’s all very very focused, but it gets a general appliance….on deeper level.But..overthinking can be a bad thing and same goes with prepardness..Emotionally,anyone can be ‘en guarde’, but practically..you can’t anticipate everything and you risk getting lost in some useless hurtful details…so….I don’t have ideas, I go with the flow and if something comes in conflict-deal with it then simple and avoid unnecessary complications of whatever nature.
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Moonlight_Magic Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 1:41 pm
I WISH I could be like that. I try my best to “not pay interest on money you haven’t borrowed yet” and with some things I can. Other things, though, I over think the CRAP out of. I like your way better.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 2:57 pm
my way’s good but not perfect..it still leaves out the past issues that I alone can’t resolve,a lot of unanswered questions that get recurrent with or without my will,you know..if you don’t worry by day,you do by night,and if you still don’t and sleep like a log,they still have a mischevious way of infiltrating by becoming nightmares. I’m only concerned that these kind of things can last very very long and become supports of distrust for other experiences..it’s the way psychic works..
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Phew!!!
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 2nd, 2011 at 5:20 pm
this was just a tiny bit of the whole so don’t dare phiew-ing.
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Great blog
I love reading your stuff,partly because I can relate,partly because you take things to another level which,in my mind,is to articulate the unarticulateable. And plus it’s always a journey. To transform one’s own internal detritus into power -- renewable energy!! :D
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 3rd, 2011 at 2:41 pm
That’s a nice way to put it
yeah I know we have… plenty in common 
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dude2 Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 1:57 am
I am never too comfortable around people that display audacity and complete disregard for phoniness, superficiality, and normalcy… and worse yet, the obvious lack of respect for inane, fake, and meaningless “pleasantries” [that are in fact the proper and acceptable sorts of things to post in entries and comments].
People who open up and occasionally even allow their demons to be glimpsed by others:
a) are always threatening and frightening to those of us that are more civilized and prudent.
b)obviously [they] don’t have the moral responsibility to incessantly preach ‘happy happy, joy joy’ and ‘I’m okay you’re ok and we’re all winners in a wonderful world without end, amen’ and do so with an endearing “stepford wife” style of perception and philosophy on life.
c) should really, for the good of us all, be branded with a big scarlet “A” and then exiled.
If they can’t be phony, superficial, and pretentious like the rest of us, and instead choose to disable our rose colored glasses, without provocation…. like this young lady has done here-
then we have someone that we will always need to wonder if there might come a time when they might suddenly decide to confront us with our own well disguised and long festering ethical decay. And thus necessitate adding yet another ingredient to our daily smorgasboard of ‘mothers little helpers’.
The vacant smile and pleasantly absent serenity of this nirvana we cherish so much (as if we even remember what that word means, lol) must be preserved, at all costs!
The universe smiles upon those who proclaim kindness, radiate pettiness, and are always willing to offer a few absolutely worthless words of advice upon what others need to start doing, to become more acceptable.
Everything zen, be excellent to eachother, and party on dudes, like it’s 1939!
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 3:56 am
tl;dr.
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Moonlight_Magic Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 11:09 am
I think I got what Dude said. In other words, Lethal, I think what Dude is saying that your frank style and straightforwardness of your thoughts and perceptions are well appreciated in an online world where some people would, instead, rather choose to force their own ideals and beliefs upon us in an attempt to “make the world a whole lot brighter”. Some of us enjoy dwelling in the valleys of our own misery so please don’t try to force us out of them with rainbows and sunshine. I don’t think anyone would ever accuse you of doing that
LOL
Your REAL as opposed to merely being polite and saying what SHOULD be said according the standards of what is set by society as being “the norm”.
……or just simply…. you’re cool.
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Moonlight_Magic Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 11:10 am
*you’re real* Oops! Typo!
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dude2 Reply:
June 6th, 2011 at 1:15 am
1) She is indeed, “real”
2) The same must be said in regard to that D. D. K. fellow from my vantage point
3) You surmised correctly in your interpretation, but in reality, my comment was:
4)tl;dr
5)precisely as I intended, and as it was received.
6)Thank you
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Moonlight_Magic Reply:
June 6th, 2011 at 6:10 am
I’m always happy to help a newbie, Dude. And Welcome to Friendburst.
Hope you’re wearing clean underwear as the TSA here have a field day checking you out from stem to stern to ensure you aren’t packing any type written words of mass destruction or breast milk in excess of 3 oz., ensuring that we all have a happy and safe trip here 
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dude2 Reply:
June 6th, 2011 at 6:51 am
Well, I do have priors for excessive breast milk smuggling, but that was an awful long time ago. Surely there might be the possibility for redemption, even for an old school breast milk hoarder such as I?
But yes, I came prepared for the groping of genitals, as everyone who travels by flight must be prepared to endure.
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Moonlight_Magic Reply:
June 6th, 2011 at 7:01 am
And just think….some people will pay top dollar to have their genitals groped…..and to hoard and smuggle breast milk 8-O. Now you get a bonus trip somewhere if you choose THIS method instead.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 6th, 2011 at 7:16 am
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 6th, 2011 at 7:20 am
he’s got a blog out,go comment
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 4:19 pm
guess I prefere changing styles and hairdues rather than personalities/ personas.
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dude2 Reply:
June 6th, 2011 at 1:20 am
Yes, that has always been my policy, as well, until circumstances forced a change
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Ruff stuff.
XXX,
Joe.
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LethalAmbrose Reply:
June 5th, 2011 at 4:23 pm
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